Out of Breath

Ok so I've been a bit out of touch here recently. I have been spending a great deal of time prepping for my first Expo that is coming up in October. Life has been a little hectic so I took a break. That said I read something today that I felt very strongly about. 

The article below is about a 9 year old girl who had some breathing difficulties over a weekend that landed her in the ER and she was given an inhaler. She took it with her to school and on Monday when she had another coughing fit she tried to use it, but the school confiscated it and refused her the ability to use it. 

http://fox4kc.com/2015/09/29/9-year-old-girl-denied-inhaler-during-coughing-fit-at-school-per-district-policy/ 

Now I understand the school's perspective of keep the kids safe, don't allow them to take unknown meds, blah, blah, blah. My problem is that even after her father verbally provided the school with permission to use her inhaler she as still denied it because the proper authorizing paperwork was not filled out. 

I'm sorry, but this is sh*t! Any school that MY kids have gone to I am asked whether I would allow the administration of Tylenol or Ibuprofen if needed. Even though I have checked that cute little box I am always still called and it is confirmed that they can give him that medication. Now why can't Albuteral be added to this list of optional medications that can be given by the school? 

There has been a sharp increase of children with asthma or asthma type issues and with doctors being reluctant to formally diagnose a child with "Asthma" because of their age it makes sense to treat attacks on an as needed basis without a specific treatment plan. 

When my son was younger he had several attacks of what anyone else would consider "asthma," but because he was so young they wouldn't provide a treatment plan. He was given a breathing treatment and pretty much told that if he had any future issues to return. But what if there has not been a problem in the past that warranted a doctor's visit. What if a coughing fit is an isolated event due to seasonal allergies? What if a child has one of these attacks for the first time at school because they are being super active at PE or recess? When this child heads to the nurse and they are clearly having difficulty breathing, as a nurse or administrator, you're just going to sit there and watch this child struggle to get air? Resting does NOT always mean the breathlessness will go away. In fact, for my family personally, it is at night, while my son's body is fully at rest, that he has his worst attacks.

When given in small incremental doses Albuteral is nearly as harmless as Tylenol or Ibuprofen and just as necessary. It just blows my mind that a little girl (or boy) could be suffering so badly to the point of puking and the school do nothing more than "monitor" her (or him).

Take action people! Stepping off my soap box now.

Where were you?

14 years have gone by. This day should be just like any other day, but it's not. It hasn't been for 14 years and it never will be again. Today is a day that many mourn the loss of loved ones and the loss of security. 14 years ago it didn't matter what race you were, what your sexual preference was, where you lived, what your job was, etc. 14 years ago we all stood together as a nation pissed off and horrified by the vicious attacks on our soil. Our resolve to fight the enemy and never forget the wrongs done to us was strong. For some, that resolve has waned and now it's becoming a fleeting memory. It's becoming just one more historical record in our nations' history book (which is a whole other discussion). There are those though that remember that day as if it were yesterday, who still become very emotional at the thoughts and who truly stand behind the phase "We will NEVER forget."

It was a pretty cold day in September in 2001. I remember this because I was buying hot chocolate for my sister and I at the grocery store by our house. I was a senior in high school, my sister was a sophomore. I drove the '81 Ford pickup truck that my parents had forever. When we pulled up to the store I told my sister to find a CD to put in or find some music on the radio because I was uninterested in listening to talk radio. I was having a hard time waking up and needed something to pick up my energy. When I got back to the truck she had found a CD and we drove to school.

We headed to our spot in the Arts building where our other friends gathered before school. We were first there so we sat and waited. We didn't have long to wait before one of our friends arrived and we were greeted with "Did you hear what happened?" Our reply was obviously "No" and he proceeded to tell us about the situation happening on the east coast. Stunned would be the only word I could use to describe my reaction. Our choir teacher arrived very shortly after this and let us into the choir room to watch the news on the TV in there. We walked in and watched. It looked like something out of a movie, but knowing it wasn't was terrifying. We stood and watched the first tower fall. I remember covering my mouth with my hand in disbelief and just being in complete shock. I didn't have ties to New York or the east coast in general so I didn't have the immediate emotional reaction that a lot of people had. Also as a 17 year old I suppose I didn't really understand the impact that it would have.

Unfortunately, the day was to proceed though not a single lesson would be taught. We were all glued to the TV and radios. I remember my English teacher the most clearly. She was always such a bubbly, happy lady. She made learning enjoyable (though I liked English anyway so that was never a problem for me) and she always had energy. Today she sat at her desk almost catatonic staring at the TV and clutching her cell phone. The only thing she said was to read quietly and watch the news if we would like to and that was all that was said that day in that class. She had family in New York that she was now unable to reach. She looked empty and lost and my heart broke for her. Again, I didn't have ties like this to the situation so to see someone so effected made my heart hurt. The rest of my school day proceeded pretty much in silence. It seemed like we were all walking through a cloud. It was somber and hushed.

As I was a senior and only had a half day's worth of classes when I left I went to Walgreen's, where I worked, because frankly I had nothing else to do and no where else to be. As I walked in the manager, my boss, was on the intercom asking for a moment of silence due to the situation in New York. We all bowed our heads and I am sure we all prayed. Through the day more news poured in about the additional planes at the pentagon and in Pennsylvania.

That evening I sat on my bed wrapped in my blank watching the president's address to the nation regarding the days' events. The magnitude of the events started to set in for me and out of nowhere I just cried. Tears streamed down my face thinking of all of the people that lost their lives, all the people who lost loved ones, all the people who were helping search for survivors, all the people who didn't know how to react to something so huge, but mostly I cried because I was scared. I was scared because I really didn't know what was going on, what was coming next, how we were going to fix this, and I felt that the secure foundation that this country has was broken. At 17 I was just scared and lost.

I remember as I watched the address on TV digging through my bedside table drawer for a book I rarely picked up. Once I found it I put it on my lap and looked at it. "Holy Bible" it said in gold letters. They say that this book has answers, that it can bring peace. I didn't understand that really because I was not brought up in a religious household, but at that moment I was willing to try. For some reason the only passage that came to mind as it was one of the only ones I knew was Psalm 23:1-4.

A psalm of David. 1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

It seemed appropriately dark, but equally promising. In my moment of need I was comforted, but continued to cry. I wept with the rest of the country and burned into my memory "I will never forget."

In the days following the attacks the recruiters office's were flooded with men and women wanting to avenge our country's loss. We all knew that the retaliation was going to be quick and we were going to have to fight back. Friends and acquaintances alike joined the ranks of our military and those who didn't watched and vowed continued support.

Years have gone by and I can see the support of some waning. Others are as strong as if it all happened yesterday. Personally, I am married to a service member in the Arizona National Guard. He did a one year tour in Kuwait in a Technician/transportation unit who provided support to convoys going in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan. We were grateful that he was on post in Kuwait a good majority of the time and that meant he was safer than most the fear and the threat of danger was still there. Our troops have my undying support and would despite my military connection. These men and women risk their lives day in and day out for the safety of our country and to allow the continuing benefits that we have. Our country has faced very hard times and is currently walking through a difficult period, but I pray that we are able to continue to remember that there are bigger threats to our lives and our ways of life beside the individual next door that may have a different skin color or the girl down the street who has a wife.

I leave this post with " I WILL NEVER FORGET" and "I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT OUR TROOPS." I also am going to take this time to have my own personal moment of silence. Please do the same if you are so inclined.

Reflection

This morning I was provided the opportunity to sit and reflect quietly and privately. My family is currently walking through a very traumatic and difficult season. I am having to make choices that both hurt me and anger me, but are the best for myself and my family. I feel that my hand has been forced in the matter by others' poor choices, but I am confident in my decisions at this point. I am trying very hard to work through my pain and anger so that the relationships that can be mended can be in the future. I am finding it very difficult though to move past this knowing what I do and having the convictions that I have. 

There are certain things that a person just does not do. Boundaries have been crossed, legal boundaries, moral boundaries, and in my eyes there is no forgiving that. The crossing of those lines put fear, anger and pain in my heart. It built a wall that is not going to be easily torn down. The choices of yet still others to support this person and their behavior has put even more pain and question marks in my head and heart. I find myself questioning the very fabric everything I have known about the family I was raised in and it has made me what to protect the family I have built that much more. 

Getting past this is going to depend on a lot of prayer and a lot of forgiveness on my part. It is going to take me wrestling with demons that have haunted me for years and new ones that are bigger and scarier than my childhood ones. I am not only responsible for my personal journey, but I am helping guide the journey of my little ones alongside my husband. The decisions I make and burdens I bear not only effect me, but my family. I hope I can find peace with this situation sometime in the future I truly do, but for now I am concentrating on me, my husband and my kids.

Post Op Review

Ok so I am officially three weeks out from having my Lap Band surgery. I have to say I am pleasantly surprised how little it negatively effected my world. The surgery was quick, the recovery was extremely tolerable as far as surgery recovery goes and I have felt some restriction as far as my ability to intake food.

During the pre-op and post-op diet changes I have lost 16 lbs which may not seem like much, but it is a thrilling realization. I have spend years trying to move the scale with little change and now it is falling off in a reasonably steady pace. I have started to work in exercise when I can and I am very conscious of what I am ingesting.

I do have moments of weakness that I am really fine with at this point. I still splash some sweet tea in my unsweet tea for a little flavor. I ate a handful of potato chips with dinner last night. I still crave sweets like you wouldn't believe (which I have only indulged in once). I am trying to not be too hard on myself because it has taken years for me to get to this point and I can't expect that overnight I am going to be a reformed food addict with no bad habits or guilty pleasures.

I recognize that this is going to be a hell of a long road and I just need to take it one day at a time. If I stumble one day I need to remember that one day will not undo everything and I can't just throw my hands up in defeat and retreat to my old ways. Tomorrow is always a new day to do better, to make better choices and move a little more. This Band is a tool, but it is me who has to do the work. I say bring it on! I am ready.

I go in for a fill on the 1st and as much as I hate needles I am looking forward to it. A little more restriction will make this process that much quicker and the tool just that much more effective. I am impressed so far and if there is anyone out there is cyberspace who would like to chat about my experience please feel free to message me. I would love to provide my experience to anyone it may help.

This next couple of weeks will be spent working on my willpower, my water intake and my level of activity. Slow and steady wins the race and I am hoping to find my pace soon.
Till next time.  

Every story has a beginning

I’m going to get raw and real for a moment. For years I have struggled with my weight and by years I mean from Junior High into my adult years. I had a brief period in my timeline that I was at a healthy weight for my age and height, but children and life slowly took its toll. I tried a million different diets, exercise routines, types of weight loss aids, saw a nutritionist and nothing seemed to tip the scale for long. I would lose 10 and gain 20. I am an emotional eater and I would call my relationship with food an addiction. It blew my mind how often food was a topic of conversation or on my mind. My love of food was starting to impact my ability to play with my kids, my energy level, my overall health and severely killing my self-confidence. Something had to give.

A few months ago I took a long hard look at my options and together with my husband attended a consultation for a bariatric surgeon. After careful discussion and thought we mutually decided that the Lap Band would be the safest option and would provide the results I needed and on March 19, 2015 I began my journey. Luckily our insurance would cover a weight loss surgery, but there were criteria that needed to me met which included 3 consecutive months of weight related health monitoring and several medical clearances. I met with doctors, a psychologist, a cardiologist, had blood work done and jumped through the hoops I was told to. After being denied initially and working through the appeal process on July 14^th I got my approval. There was a light at the end of this LONG tunnel.

I had one week of a pre-op diet to complete which consisted of replacing 2 meals a day with a low carb protein shake and having a small dinner meal with no carbs, fats or sugar. I had to stop drinking soda, sugary beverages, eating bread and pasta. No more mindless snacking and more concentration on what I was actually eating. This whole process is such a 180 from my normal habits and let me tell you it was way more challenging than I expected. All for the greater good right? I watched my weight drop from my starting weight of 240 to my current pre-op weight of 232 and today marks another milestone in this journey. Today is SURGERY DAY!

I would like to follow up this story with this: I did not make this decision public knowledge in the beginning for a reason. Everyone has their own opinions about weight loss and surgery and such and quite often tend to judge others based on their ideas. Not everyone will support my decision to go under the knife, but frankly they are not walking in my shoes. Some will call this the “easy way out” and I can vouch that to this point and what I know about the massive lifestyle change that this is going to take it is anything but. I have done my research, joined a support group, sought counselling and given this more thought than you can even imagine. This was not my first choice of weight loss methods, but when all others miserably failed and I knew it was due to my self-control issues I knew I needed “something” to hold me accountable. That is what this device does. This is going to be challenge, but it one that I can’t afford to fail. I want to feel good about myself again, I want to run with my kids, I want to love me so I can let my husband love me, I want to live. I truly in my heart believe that this is what will get me to those goals.

Today starts a new chapter in my life and my family’s life. Below I compiled my stats and before pictures. I am very self-conscious about being so bold on this, but I think in its own way doing this will help too. I will post updates periodically, but in the meantime here I go.

Left wrist - 8"

Left bicep - 15-1/2"

Right wrist - 7-1/4"

Right bicep - 14-3/4"

Bust - 49-1/2"

Waist - 45-1/4"

Hips - 51"

Left thigh - 26"

Left calf - 15-1/2"

Left ankle - 9-1/4"

Right thigh - 25-1/4"

Right calf - 15-3/4"

Right ankle - 9"

Shirt size - XL to 2XL

Pant size - 18

Bra size - 42DD

Shoe size - 8-9

Weight - 232.6 lbs

Height - 5'8"

Seven Days To Soft Soles

Ok I really don't know if it'll take seven days or not, but I do know that I love this product and it will for sure be in my pedicure tool box forever. This summer has been especially hard on my feet for some reason. Between the pool water, the sandals, the bare feet on hot concrete, etc my heels have turned into a dry mess with cracks deeper than the Grand Canyon. Not only are they ugly, but they are painful. I was getting tired of the pain and found some relief with lotion at night, but the second they got dry again it was back to the drawing board. In an effort to fix my problem I tried the Ped Egg, pumice stones, files, lotions, crack repair gels, etc. The lotion as I mentioned helped, but it was super temporary. After 20 minutes of initial burning the crack repair gel did help with the pain as no sweat or dirt got into the wounds, but it was a band-aid for the problem. Though the Ped Egg was a decent concept it turned out to be worthless and I was disappointed that I even wasted my time. The pumice stones and files would probably have been fairly effective if I had the stamina. I am not a small chick and bending over that long sadly is painful (working on that issue also).
So in my pursuit of smoother, healthier feet I searched for an additional option. In the aisle of foot care aids I saw a product. It was an As Seen On TV type deal which I am generally wary about (see review of the pointless Ped Egg). There were actually two products that caught my attention that were essentially the same concept, but had their different features.




By appearances only they seem to have very similar design features: rotating file head, thick handle, battery operated, etc. The price tags though were very different. The Ped Egg product was a reasonable $14.99 and the Amope option was a much pricier $39.99. Now if I was bargain hunting the  decision would have been a no brainer. I would have walked out with the cheaper Ped Egg product and tried my luck with it. I was, however, looking for a solution to my aching feet not just another test product so I evaluated further.
The Ped Egg Power came with two interchangeable heads with different grit levels. My initial thought was that feature was pretty cool because it was a bit more customizable. After looking at it though it seemed when compared to the Amope the grit on either of the Ped Egg heads was much too smooth to do the job effectively. The Amope head had a much courser grit and a much wider head which to me was also an important feature. Replacement heads are available for both and neither had horrible reviews. Yes I am that person who will stand and read a review in the store before buying something. I was slightly more impressed with the Amope Pedi Perfect so that is the product that went home with me. The $40 price tag was a bit much, but hell if it worked wouldn't that be hundreds saved at the nail salon?
So I brought my new toy home and put in the batteries (that it came with!! Now if only kids' toys could be so convenient...that's another topic). I turned it on and was a little surprised by the volume of the thing, but it did seem that it was warranted because that thing was pretty powerful. I started on my heel and instantly I saw a cloud of white (ok TMI I get it). It was shaving away all the gross layers that I hadn't been able to get to before. The best part was I could barely feel it. There was no pain, no stinging, no trying to contort myself into unnatural positions to get to the hard to reach spots. It was simple, apply spinning head to calloused feet and move slowly. When I turned it off I touched my feet they were soft. Honestly there were still cracks, but they were softer and didn't hurt as bad. As with any foot file-y type product you don't want to kill your feet in one sitting so it's kind of a little by little routine, moisturize and repeat tomorrow. Like I said I don't know if it'll take exactly seven days, three or twenty, but it's not an overnight deal. Take your time, be patient and I bet you will have very similar results.
I cannot vouch for the effectiveness of the Ped Egg Power as I did not buy it and have not tried it. It may be a quality product that offers great results as well, but for me the few extra bucks to finally get relief was worth it. I hope this might have helped someone on the fence about this product or someone who didn't know what to try next for relief. If you have any questions about my experience with it please let me know otherwise enjoy!

Blood does not mean loyal

It would seem I have been MIA for a minute. I've been dealing with some family stuff, personal stuff, and life in general. I'm sure you understand. In the last few weeks I have discovered that I must have an old soul as some of my ideals about how the world should work seem antiquated. Simple respect for others, a desire to help, a work ethic that dictates that you get out what you put in. It would probably amaze people how much easier life would be if they were more kind. In my head I would bend over backwards for someone if I had the means to help them. I actually feel guilty sometimes for not being able to help more. My therapist has prescribed moderation on this one. It really makes no matter to me whether the person in need is a co-worker, friend, family member, etc. I do what I can when I can. Recently and in the past I have become infuriated with people who clearly have the means to lend assistance, but turn a blind eye to blattenly difficult situations. Wanna guess who this group of people would be? Family! Blood relations who you are raised to believe would be there for you no matter what are the quickest to turn their backs.

You know something? I wonder if these selfish individuals actually even consider for an instant how difficult it is to ask for help. It takes an immense amount of strength and desperation for independent people to come to anyone for help. They, very unfortunately, falsely believe that people who have raised them, grown up with them, or are closely related would lend a comforting shoulder or kind aid if needed. Instead of a response of "of course I will do what I can" they get frostbite. "Well I have some money saved, but I'm going to need it 5 years from now so there's no way I can help." "Well if I'm your last resort I can help, but I expect to be paid back with interest. Let me draw up the papers." "Doesn't your friend have a couch you could sleep on [even though I have a completely empty room to offer]?" "Let me make sure I can do that for you" only to bail the day before they're needed. These are actual phases that I have heard in the past from friends and family who have asked their family for help. Again this blows my mind.

It really puts a dagger right through your heart. You see in the papers all the time too. Kids being killed by the parents or family members who are supposed to protect them, adult children abusing their elderly disabled parents, children being left to begrudging family members because of poor situations. These examples make me absolutely ill and are a large reason of why I can't stand the news sometimes. It is a wonder that anyone trusts anyone. If you can't trust family who can you trust. Again that may be an antiquated idea that has been lost to the ages.

Then there are the family members that don't necessarily turn you down when you need something, but are just hateful behind your back. They use your weaknesses, fears or honest mistakes to paint you as a horrible person to other people, someone not worthy of having something good, or just downright talking shit behind your back. Again these are the people who should have your back, not stab you in it. This has been a personal issue for me in the past for sure and I don't see it changing.
My suggestion here is to simply be wary of who you talk to about what. Family, friend, support person, stranger, whatever. There is a phrase in the Miranda Rights that states: "Anything you say can and will be used against you..." How true that is. Anyone can use anything you say or write against you. It is simply ammunition that they hold for later. When it pleases or will benefit them they will use that information to wound you or try to. There is another small piece to the Miranda Rights that states: "You have the right to remain silent." Watch what you say and to who. I'm not saying to keep secrets, but know your audience. Trust is broken quickly and takes a VERY LONG time to gain it back. Trust is broken faster if you are family. Just because a person is blood doesn't mean they are loyal to you.

I love it when you lie to me

It is a near statistical certainty that you are lied to at least once a day. From the simple “fine” in response to the how is your day question when you can see in their eyes they are falling apart to the outright bold faced lie that could potentially shatter your world they are all lies and we encounter them frequently. The magnitude in which these lies may affect a person is personal and not challenged by the offender. Every lie, no matter how big or how small, can affect the level of trust a person has. Once trust has been broken it is a monumental task to repair that if you are able to at all. It may not even be one lie that kills the trust, but a large number of seemingly little lies that add up. Again, how someone reacts to lies, big, small, one or many, is personal to them.

I have had huge lies told to me that broke me to my core throughout my 30+ years. I have also been told small lies that I allow to roll off my back. Most are of no importance to me I understand are sometimes said to allow another person to protect the fragility of their sanity (i.e. the “fine” comment). The mountains of lies are starting to get to me though. If you tell me you are going to do something and don't or that you have done something and you didn't and it is a frequent thing my trust in your comments is going to suffer… a lot. There are two quotes that I kind of love that apply here:

1. A person is only as good as their word – Author Unknown
2. Little drops of water, Little grains of sand, Make a mighty ocean, And the pleasant land – Julia Carney (1845)

What I take away from those is 1) a good person will stand by their word. People need to understand their limitations and take that into account before they give their word. If they do give their word and are habitual in going back on their word what then does their word mean? Nothing. This same quote applies to the large lies as it does not require a habitual behavior to crush the worth of their word. The effect is immediate and any trust is usually broken in regards to the integrity of the person. The next take away is 2) that the little lies can cause the same effect as the big ones, it just takes more of them. I touched on that a bit, but in addition, sometimes the little lies can hurt more. To me constant little lies tell a person that they are, at no time, worth the truth which shows an incredible lack of respect. I really don’t care, honestly, if your intentions were good, the end result is what it is. Let me throw another quote at ya: “Hell is paved with good intentions” – Samuel Johnson (1775).

Personally, I try very hard to not allow the hurt felt after being lied to to dictate my path in life or my emotional state, but sometimes I succumb to the weaker side and freak out. I am kind of having one of those moments today as this has been a week of blatant lies and half-truths. I have been told that I should get over the hurt that those lies inflicted, that I shouldn’t feel the way I feel because it’s not a big deal, or lied to still in response to a lie I found out about. You know what I have to say about that now that I have repaired some of my broken spirit? Fuck you! I feel the way I feel and I refuse to apologize for it. It is my prerogative to remain in whatever emotional state I may be in if I wish to. If I’m hurt about it, let me be hurt. If you’re the one who inflicted the hurt, work on fixing it sincerely and frequently. If I’m mad, let me be mad. Last thing you need if I’m mad is me turning my anger on you for belittling my emotion. I am so done with being lied to and I am no longer tolerating it. This is how I personally feel at this moment, but I can guarantee that the above advice would be beneficial for everyone. No one wants to feel challenged or demeaned when they are already weakened. 

As to not go into a complete tirade here I am going to leave with this: think before you speak. If you have limitations don’t make promises that exceed them. If you are directly asked a question t lying about is only going to make the situation worse because chances are the person asking already knows the answer. And lastly, if you’re lying to cover your ass before someone finds out about something, ask yourself why you put yourself in that position in the first place. 

To shave or not to shave?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/15/sikh-student-turban-rotc_n_7588642.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000051

I brought this topic up on my Facebook page and got several responses about it and thought it would make a good blog post as I had little more to say about it. So to recap the article Sikh college student, Iknoor Singh, was being refused the ability join his school's ROTC program because he would not cut his hair, shave his facial hair or remove his turban due to religious reasons. A US District Court Judge overruled this refusal stating that it violated his constitutional rights. This ruling allows Singh to participate in the ROTC without having to cut his hair, shave, or remove his turban and gives him time to apply for a waiver on religious grounds. It was also stated that this ruling does not      mean that Singh will not meet a similar issue when requesting full inclusion in the military. The Army has extended their grooming guidelines recently and has offered over 197,000 exceptions for secular grooming in the past so this is, but a small situation. It does open doors to those who may have been reluctant to join the ROTC program previously due to religious conflicts.

My question in regards to this article and ruling is this: how far does this rabbit hole go? See my thought is that this individual is 1) not going into just any job, it is the military and 2) is joining the military under his own free will. This man was not drafted and if he had been I may have a very different opinion. As it is that he was not, this concession scares me. He is joining a government organization that has a very rigid set of standards for appearance. The article says he wants to serve his country. I’m sorry, but there are plenty of governments positions in which he can “serve” that do not require the violation of his religious guidelines or that he request that the military guidelines be changed for him. If we blur the lines for one person or group of peoples, based on crying “religious freedom” then where does the next hard line stop it?

Now I do what to mention that though I do agree with the fact that Freedom of Religion is a right, and one worth fighting for, no one ever said that he was not allowed to pray or actively practice his faith while in the military. Uniformity, especially within the military, plays a very important role. I found this breakdown from an individual on Yahoo Answers while researching this topic and the author states:

“Uniformity is a tool for the Army. It helps instill self-discipline, attention to detail, and the ability to follow instructions for each soldier, and it provides leaders with an indicator of who among their soldiers actually is making an effort and who is just trying to do the minimum necessary to stay out of trouble. 
How crisp a uniform is pressed, how well boots are shined (when we had to shine them, the new boots don't need it) placement of badges are all indicators of the effort someone puts in. 
Uniformity also helps ensure a comradery, and team environment. Everyone looks the same because they wear the same uniform. The only way for a soldier to separate themselves from the rest is either to exceed the standards, and encourage his teammates to do the same, or rock the boat, and hope he doesn't get thrown out.” - https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060730175104AAV8har

If the uniform and the rules surrounding it are not to be respected then where does it stop? If there are exceptions made for select individuals how are those exceptions to be judged and disciplined if not followed? This issue just seems to raise more questions than provide answers and in an unstable time is that really what a government entity needs? I personally think this is a way bigger issue than one person and if it isn’t perceived that way now it will be soon.

The birthday party rat race

July tends to bring out a special sort of stress in me. Two of my three kids have birthdays in July and as for many parents of little ones that means birthday parties. As my boys are still young (under 10) and their birthdays are exactly two weeks apart we choose to celebrate their birthdays together. To be fair we do give them special attention on their birthdays, but to be fair to friends who also have lives we don't make them attend two birthdays in one month. We usually plan the party for a weekend between because it just works out best.

Now I rather enjoy party planning and seeing the look on my kids faces when they are surprised by the theme or cake is rewarding, but as the years tick by I seem to be trying to outdo myself with the grandness of the party. Last year I threw my sons a Lego party as both are pretty interested in them despite the 5 year age difference. I spent weeks on Pintrest and Google researching the decorations, what cake I would create, cute foods to serve, games to play (and make btw), etc. Then I spent at least another week or two shopping for food and supplies then creating the custom made decorations, goody bags and make ahead type stuff. I planned to have the kids spend the afternoon with my husband so I could set up as they still didn't know their theme and set up for 2+ hours on the patio in the heat of the Arizona summer since the party is mostly staged outside and in the pool. I exhausted myself physically and mentally for mildly impressed children and recognition from the adults as having outdone myself. My daughter was the only child who touched any of the party games, the cute decorations were inevitably splashed and spattered with pool water, the finely crafted and displayed food items were devoured and the goody bags were never handed out.

     

All in all when the dust settled I wondered why I put myself through the wringer. Did I have anymore fun this year than I did last year because I poured my blood, sweat and tears (literally) into every detail? Actually the contrary was more true. I stressed myself out to a point that enjoyment was the last thing on my mind during any part of it. Do you think I learned anything from that experience? Not a ton because I pulled the same stuff during my daughter's birthday (in October) because I didn't want her to "feel left out."

Now at 5 do you really think that was even in her mindset? Probably not. She would have been grateful for any attention regardless of the effort I put forth so why did I kill myself? My oldest does notice the differences in treatment (i.e. "she got a treat why can't I", "Logan got two candies and I only got one," and so forth), but the lasting effect is temporary and he eventually moves on forgetting that there was ever an issue so again I ask, why kill myself?

This year has been a bit different. We have been remodeling our house slowly and this month we had new floors installed (see my post about quality to come later regarding that fun situation) and we have had several family issues come up that has divided our attention. The birthday party is now 2 weeks and 1 day away and I just sent out the invitation. I don't have a "theme," I'm not doing games, and the food is going to be your normal barbecue fare. I'm going to spend some time on the cake because frankly that's what I love doing anyway, but the other stuff is just going to be chill. I spent under $20 at the dollar store for festive "Happy Birthday" decor, plates and such and though there was a moment of guilt for not doing "more" I forgave myself quickly and reminded myself that they won't care anyway. The boys are easy to please and really just enjoy the company of family and friends and opening what gifts they are lucky enough to get.

This crazy rat race of "I've got to top this or that" is maddening and I really need to take a pill and relax. I'm going to accept this year as a valuable lesson in relaxation and letting go.

Just another hurdle

Let me just start by saying I have struggled with my weight for years. I overcame an unhealthy weight in high school, maintained that for a few years and then had children. So for the last eight years I have watched the numbers on the scale creep up. I have tried every diet I could think of, tried to exercise regularly, bought the things needed for success, but frankly my willpower against food is weak and each diet failed, I would come up with a million excuses not to go walk or run, and the products I bought gathered dust or became clothes racks. My self-confidence took a huge hit, as did my physical and mental health. I was spending more time and money managing the symptoms of my weight and not dealing with the core issue. So a few months ago, fed up with the roller coaster I was on, I began the ever drawn out process to get approved to have a bariatric surgery done. Thankfully my husband provides our family with decent insurance and they do cover bariatric surgery, but with stipulations (of course). I had to complete weight related evaluations and care for 3 months, be at certain BMI, have a comorbid disease, have a secondary recommendation for surgery, be cleared by a cardiologist, have blood work and all sorts of tests done and give up my first born before I got approved. Ok, maybe not the part about the first born, but everything else for sure. For weeks it seemed like an endless number of doctors’ appointments, copays, and waiting rooms. Despite the headache it took I kept in contact with the clinic often, got my ducks in a row and was so relieved when my final clinic appointment rolled around and they were finally able to submit to insurance. I felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter, like my struggle might be coming to an end. I impatiently checked several times with the insurance precertification department wanting to get an answer and get my surgery date scheduled. After lunch one day I called to check one more time and I was told I was declined. DECLINED! Somehow the medical director at the insurance company did not receive my secondary recommendation or the proof of my comorbid condition. Now I am not sure if this is an oversight on their part or an error on the clinic’s error, but you best believe that it will be fixed. I contacted the clinic and they are jumping into hyper-drive to appeal the decision. I want to do on the record to say that I HATE insurance companies. I understand they are a necessary evil and if we didn’t have it we would probably be living in a box with the medical costs we would incur raising three kids, but the hoops and red tape that one has to jump through to get approved for treatment is damn near a second job and it is exhausting. They say do not pray for patience because God will surely give you reasons to practice it. I guess this is one of those times. I am trying to stay optimistic and I suppose the bright side is I can continue to swim for a while longer (I won’t be able to for a month or so after surgery) so I will treat this as just another hurdle and keep focused on the end game.

Calm Down People

This has been weighing heavy in my head and heart lately and I need to get my thoughts straight and I want them out of my head. 

With all that said, I normally, don’t get into political discussions, but recent conversations that have occurred via Facebook have spurred me to break my silence. 

These are some of the posts that the daycare that I had my children enrolled in posted on their public page. I was honestly very upset by them and not because I disagree with the content, but because this is a business that caters to the education and well being of children of all nationalities, backgrounds, etc. Comments like this would be better received on a personal page as they seem to reflect personal views. As this is a business page to promote and reach out to current and future parents it is off putting. When I expressed a concern regarding the inflammatory nature of these posts it was met with comments like "I was simply providing thought provoking material regarding how the MEDIA displays the nationality's differences" and "these are not my personal views" to which I call b*llsh*t. I agree the material is thought provoking and that there is a disconnect in how the media portrays offenders of difference races, but if the content of these articles and ideas didn't resonate on a personal level for you I doubt they would have been posted or shared. With that said I should also mention that there are no posts about how other nationalities are persecuted or targeted or beat down. There's no mention of any cases in which a white kid was shot by a black cop (of which there are plenty to be found) and I wonder why that is. Probably because the media, which is quick to demonize those of a different skin color and uplift or disregard the wrong doings of those who are white as these posts lead you to believe, haven't covered those stories or they have, but the nationality of the individuals are omitted. The messages sent out for others to take in is a little more than one sided. If you are attempting to "educate" the adult public of the inconsistencies of how people are treated based on nationality then maybe, just maybe, you should provide additional arguments, comments, "thought provoking material," that are in direct (or indirect for that matter) contrast to the content displayed here to provide a balanced presentation of the issues as to avoid presenting your business as racist and prejudiced. As it is that your establishment is privately owned you are more than welcome to your opinions and to what you post. That is everyone's constitutional right and I would never infringe on that, however it is MY RIGHT to choose where my children are taught and I choose to have them educated in an establishment that respects the fact that one-sided, inflammatory content displayed on business page could alienate a clientele base so they don't do it. I am certain that the loss of the cash tuition for my three kids will not cause you to loose sleep at night and probably won't be missed, but I hope that the purpose for my decision causes you to think twice before posting something in the future that may hurt others and that serves to simply perpetuate the unnecessary disconnect between groups of people.

It is no secret that the climate of this country is volatile and I am not talking about the weather. The so called “race wars” have reached insane new heights with White against Blacks against Asians against Mexicans against Muslims against Christians against Soldiers against Law Enforcement against Civilians and so forth. It is absolutely dumbfounding as to why there is still so much violence and hate everywhere towards people that are different than someone else. It absolutely hurts my heart that my children will grow up with the stimulus to be bias and judge people based on their differences and not celebrating them as well as their similarities. My husband and I try as hard as we can as parents to counter the negativity that is show in the media , on TV and on the streets and teach our kids that regardless of what a person looks like on the outside as long as they are a good person in their heart striving to do right then that’s what matters. The challenge is what voice is stronger. I am not so naive to think that racism, persecution, bigotry and stereotyping are going to disappear because let’s face it if it hasn’t in the last several centuries do we really think a few decades will do it now, but why is there still so much hate and division? It actually seems to have gotten worse in recent years and it seems like a game of one-uping the last person who wronged a group of people. People are taking this stance of “oh something bad happened to someone else now I must have a target on my back.” People (and I am talking about  people of all nationalities here) are so selfish and narrow minded that they turn an isolated situation about a police officer making a split second decision about a situation with a potentially dangerous person who is breaking the law into a personal attack on them individually and collectively. “The cops are out to get all of us,” “we’re going to be gunned down in cold blood because we crossed the street wearing a hoodie,” “the cops are not to be trusted with that sort of power.” These are the messages that being displayed or at least how they are being perceived. Do I agree with shooting an unarmed person? No. Do I agree with the individual who killed 9 people out of racial hatred? Absolutely not. Do I think that society needs to calm the eff down? Most definitely! The need to blame someone and the desire to be the one who is right has gotten the better of all of us and it is ripping this nation apart. Nothing that one person, i.e. me, can say will change anything for everyone, but if we can all just try to calm down and learn to think before we speak each of us could make a huge difference. In parting I will say this:

Ahhh a new soapbox!

My name is Magen. I am a military wife, a mother of 3, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a college graduate, a full time employee and a human being with fairly outspoken opinions. I have this unrelenting tendency to bottle up thoughts, emotions, ideas, etc and it has become clear that maybe I should put them to good use instead. I am going to be using this platform to express myself about pretty much anything. If I see something that sparks a fire in me and inspires me to write I will. I am open to discussion topics if anyone wants to ask. I try to do my homework before I open my mouth (or type), but I am not writing a thesis here so if I’m off base let me know. I hope those who take a moment to read my blog get some enjoyment out of it. Feedback is welcome. J Thanks for reading and God bless.