This morning I was provided the opportunity to sit and reflect quietly and privately. My family is currently walking through a very traumatic and difficult season. I am having to make choices that both hurt me and anger me, but are the best for myself and my family. I feel that my hand has been forced in the matter by others' poor choices, but I am confident in my decisions at this point. I am trying very hard to work through my pain and anger so that the relationships that can be mended can be in the future. I am finding it very difficult though to move past this knowing what I do and having the convictions that I have.
There are certain things that a person just does not do. Boundaries have been crossed, legal boundaries, moral boundaries, and in my eyes there is no forgiving that. The crossing of those lines put fear, anger and pain in my heart. It built a wall that is not going to be easily torn down. The choices of yet still others to support this person and their behavior has put even more pain and question marks in my head and heart. I find myself questioning the very fabric everything I have known about the family I was raised in and it has made me what to protect the family I have built that much more.
Getting past this is going to depend on a lot of prayer and a lot of forgiveness on my part. It is going to take me wrestling with demons that have haunted me for years and new ones that are bigger and scarier than my childhood ones. I am not only responsible for my personal journey, but I am helping guide the journey of my little ones alongside my husband. The decisions I make and burdens I bear not only effect me, but my family. I hope I can find peace with this situation sometime in the future I truly do, but for now I am concentrating on me, my husband and my kids.
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