Every story has a beginning

I’m going to get raw and real for a moment. For years I have struggled with my weight and by years I mean from Junior High into my adult years. I had a brief period in my timeline that I was at a healthy weight for my age and height, but children and life slowly took its toll. I tried a million different diets, exercise routines, types of weight loss aids, saw a nutritionist and nothing seemed to tip the scale for long. I would lose 10 and gain 20. I am an emotional eater and I would call my relationship with food an addiction. It blew my mind how often food was a topic of conversation or on my mind. My love of food was starting to impact my ability to play with my kids, my energy level, my overall health and severely killing my self-confidence. Something had to give.

A few months ago I took a long hard look at my options and together with my husband attended a consultation for a bariatric surgeon. After careful discussion and thought we mutually decided that the Lap Band would be the safest option and would provide the results I needed and on March 19, 2015 I began my journey. Luckily our insurance would cover a weight loss surgery, but there were criteria that needed to me met which included 3 consecutive months of weight related health monitoring and several medical clearances. I met with doctors, a psychologist, a cardiologist, had blood work done and jumped through the hoops I was told to. After being denied initially and working through the appeal process on July 14^th I got my approval. There was a light at the end of this LONG tunnel.

I had one week of a pre-op diet to complete which consisted of replacing 2 meals a day with a low carb protein shake and having a small dinner meal with no carbs, fats or sugar. I had to stop drinking soda, sugary beverages, eating bread and pasta. No more mindless snacking and more concentration on what I was actually eating. This whole process is such a 180 from my normal habits and let me tell you it was way more challenging than I expected. All for the greater good right? I watched my weight drop from my starting weight of 240 to my current pre-op weight of 232 and today marks another milestone in this journey. Today is SURGERY DAY!

I would like to follow up this story with this: I did not make this decision public knowledge in the beginning for a reason. Everyone has their own opinions about weight loss and surgery and such and quite often tend to judge others based on their ideas. Not everyone will support my decision to go under the knife, but frankly they are not walking in my shoes. Some will call this the “easy way out” and I can vouch that to this point and what I know about the massive lifestyle change that this is going to take it is anything but. I have done my research, joined a support group, sought counselling and given this more thought than you can even imagine. This was not my first choice of weight loss methods, but when all others miserably failed and I knew it was due to my self-control issues I knew I needed “something” to hold me accountable. That is what this device does. This is going to be challenge, but it one that I can’t afford to fail. I want to feel good about myself again, I want to run with my kids, I want to love me so I can let my husband love me, I want to live. I truly in my heart believe that this is what will get me to those goals.

Today starts a new chapter in my life and my family’s life. Below I compiled my stats and before pictures. I am very self-conscious about being so bold on this, but I think in its own way doing this will help too. I will post updates periodically, but in the meantime here I go.

Left wrist - 8"

Left bicep - 15-1/2"

Right wrist - 7-1/4"

Right bicep - 14-3/4"

Bust - 49-1/2"

Waist - 45-1/4"

Hips - 51"

Left thigh - 26"

Left calf - 15-1/2"

Left ankle - 9-1/4"

Right thigh - 25-1/4"

Right calf - 15-3/4"

Right ankle - 9"

Shirt size - XL to 2XL

Pant size - 18

Bra size - 42DD

Shoe size - 8-9

Weight - 232.6 lbs

Height - 5'8"

Seven Days To Soft Soles

Ok I really don't know if it'll take seven days or not, but I do know that I love this product and it will for sure be in my pedicure tool box forever. This summer has been especially hard on my feet for some reason. Between the pool water, the sandals, the bare feet on hot concrete, etc my heels have turned into a dry mess with cracks deeper than the Grand Canyon. Not only are they ugly, but they are painful. I was getting tired of the pain and found some relief with lotion at night, but the second they got dry again it was back to the drawing board. In an effort to fix my problem I tried the Ped Egg, pumice stones, files, lotions, crack repair gels, etc. The lotion as I mentioned helped, but it was super temporary. After 20 minutes of initial burning the crack repair gel did help with the pain as no sweat or dirt got into the wounds, but it was a band-aid for the problem. Though the Ped Egg was a decent concept it turned out to be worthless and I was disappointed that I even wasted my time. The pumice stones and files would probably have been fairly effective if I had the stamina. I am not a small chick and bending over that long sadly is painful (working on that issue also).
So in my pursuit of smoother, healthier feet I searched for an additional option. In the aisle of foot care aids I saw a product. It was an As Seen On TV type deal which I am generally wary about (see review of the pointless Ped Egg). There were actually two products that caught my attention that were essentially the same concept, but had their different features.




By appearances only they seem to have very similar design features: rotating file head, thick handle, battery operated, etc. The price tags though were very different. The Ped Egg product was a reasonable $14.99 and the Amope option was a much pricier $39.99. Now if I was bargain hunting the  decision would have been a no brainer. I would have walked out with the cheaper Ped Egg product and tried my luck with it. I was, however, looking for a solution to my aching feet not just another test product so I evaluated further.
The Ped Egg Power came with two interchangeable heads with different grit levels. My initial thought was that feature was pretty cool because it was a bit more customizable. After looking at it though it seemed when compared to the Amope the grit on either of the Ped Egg heads was much too smooth to do the job effectively. The Amope head had a much courser grit and a much wider head which to me was also an important feature. Replacement heads are available for both and neither had horrible reviews. Yes I am that person who will stand and read a review in the store before buying something. I was slightly more impressed with the Amope Pedi Perfect so that is the product that went home with me. The $40 price tag was a bit much, but hell if it worked wouldn't that be hundreds saved at the nail salon?
So I brought my new toy home and put in the batteries (that it came with!! Now if only kids' toys could be so convenient...that's another topic). I turned it on and was a little surprised by the volume of the thing, but it did seem that it was warranted because that thing was pretty powerful. I started on my heel and instantly I saw a cloud of white (ok TMI I get it). It was shaving away all the gross layers that I hadn't been able to get to before. The best part was I could barely feel it. There was no pain, no stinging, no trying to contort myself into unnatural positions to get to the hard to reach spots. It was simple, apply spinning head to calloused feet and move slowly. When I turned it off I touched my feet they were soft. Honestly there were still cracks, but they were softer and didn't hurt as bad. As with any foot file-y type product you don't want to kill your feet in one sitting so it's kind of a little by little routine, moisturize and repeat tomorrow. Like I said I don't know if it'll take exactly seven days, three or twenty, but it's not an overnight deal. Take your time, be patient and I bet you will have very similar results.
I cannot vouch for the effectiveness of the Ped Egg Power as I did not buy it and have not tried it. It may be a quality product that offers great results as well, but for me the few extra bucks to finally get relief was worth it. I hope this might have helped someone on the fence about this product or someone who didn't know what to try next for relief. If you have any questions about my experience with it please let me know otherwise enjoy!

Blood does not mean loyal

It would seem I have been MIA for a minute. I've been dealing with some family stuff, personal stuff, and life in general. I'm sure you understand. In the last few weeks I have discovered that I must have an old soul as some of my ideals about how the world should work seem antiquated. Simple respect for others, a desire to help, a work ethic that dictates that you get out what you put in. It would probably amaze people how much easier life would be if they were more kind. In my head I would bend over backwards for someone if I had the means to help them. I actually feel guilty sometimes for not being able to help more. My therapist has prescribed moderation on this one. It really makes no matter to me whether the person in need is a co-worker, friend, family member, etc. I do what I can when I can. Recently and in the past I have become infuriated with people who clearly have the means to lend assistance, but turn a blind eye to blattenly difficult situations. Wanna guess who this group of people would be? Family! Blood relations who you are raised to believe would be there for you no matter what are the quickest to turn their backs.

You know something? I wonder if these selfish individuals actually even consider for an instant how difficult it is to ask for help. It takes an immense amount of strength and desperation for independent people to come to anyone for help. They, very unfortunately, falsely believe that people who have raised them, grown up with them, or are closely related would lend a comforting shoulder or kind aid if needed. Instead of a response of "of course I will do what I can" they get frostbite. "Well I have some money saved, but I'm going to need it 5 years from now so there's no way I can help." "Well if I'm your last resort I can help, but I expect to be paid back with interest. Let me draw up the papers." "Doesn't your friend have a couch you could sleep on [even though I have a completely empty room to offer]?" "Let me make sure I can do that for you" only to bail the day before they're needed. These are actual phases that I have heard in the past from friends and family who have asked their family for help. Again this blows my mind.

It really puts a dagger right through your heart. You see in the papers all the time too. Kids being killed by the parents or family members who are supposed to protect them, adult children abusing their elderly disabled parents, children being left to begrudging family members because of poor situations. These examples make me absolutely ill and are a large reason of why I can't stand the news sometimes. It is a wonder that anyone trusts anyone. If you can't trust family who can you trust. Again that may be an antiquated idea that has been lost to the ages.

Then there are the family members that don't necessarily turn you down when you need something, but are just hateful behind your back. They use your weaknesses, fears or honest mistakes to paint you as a horrible person to other people, someone not worthy of having something good, or just downright talking shit behind your back. Again these are the people who should have your back, not stab you in it. This has been a personal issue for me in the past for sure and I don't see it changing.
My suggestion here is to simply be wary of who you talk to about what. Family, friend, support person, stranger, whatever. There is a phrase in the Miranda Rights that states: "Anything you say can and will be used against you..." How true that is. Anyone can use anything you say or write against you. It is simply ammunition that they hold for later. When it pleases or will benefit them they will use that information to wound you or try to. There is another small piece to the Miranda Rights that states: "You have the right to remain silent." Watch what you say and to who. I'm not saying to keep secrets, but know your audience. Trust is broken quickly and takes a VERY LONG time to gain it back. Trust is broken faster if you are family. Just because a person is blood doesn't mean they are loyal to you.

I love it when you lie to me

It is a near statistical certainty that you are lied to at least once a day. From the simple “fine” in response to the how is your day question when you can see in their eyes they are falling apart to the outright bold faced lie that could potentially shatter your world they are all lies and we encounter them frequently. The magnitude in which these lies may affect a person is personal and not challenged by the offender. Every lie, no matter how big or how small, can affect the level of trust a person has. Once trust has been broken it is a monumental task to repair that if you are able to at all. It may not even be one lie that kills the trust, but a large number of seemingly little lies that add up. Again, how someone reacts to lies, big, small, one or many, is personal to them.

I have had huge lies told to me that broke me to my core throughout my 30+ years. I have also been told small lies that I allow to roll off my back. Most are of no importance to me I understand are sometimes said to allow another person to protect the fragility of their sanity (i.e. the “fine” comment). The mountains of lies are starting to get to me though. If you tell me you are going to do something and don't or that you have done something and you didn't and it is a frequent thing my trust in your comments is going to suffer… a lot. There are two quotes that I kind of love that apply here:

1. A person is only as good as their word – Author Unknown
2. Little drops of water, Little grains of sand, Make a mighty ocean, And the pleasant land – Julia Carney (1845)

What I take away from those is 1) a good person will stand by their word. People need to understand their limitations and take that into account before they give their word. If they do give their word and are habitual in going back on their word what then does their word mean? Nothing. This same quote applies to the large lies as it does not require a habitual behavior to crush the worth of their word. The effect is immediate and any trust is usually broken in regards to the integrity of the person. The next take away is 2) that the little lies can cause the same effect as the big ones, it just takes more of them. I touched on that a bit, but in addition, sometimes the little lies can hurt more. To me constant little lies tell a person that they are, at no time, worth the truth which shows an incredible lack of respect. I really don’t care, honestly, if your intentions were good, the end result is what it is. Let me throw another quote at ya: “Hell is paved with good intentions” – Samuel Johnson (1775).

Personally, I try very hard to not allow the hurt felt after being lied to to dictate my path in life or my emotional state, but sometimes I succumb to the weaker side and freak out. I am kind of having one of those moments today as this has been a week of blatant lies and half-truths. I have been told that I should get over the hurt that those lies inflicted, that I shouldn’t feel the way I feel because it’s not a big deal, or lied to still in response to a lie I found out about. You know what I have to say about that now that I have repaired some of my broken spirit? Fuck you! I feel the way I feel and I refuse to apologize for it. It is my prerogative to remain in whatever emotional state I may be in if I wish to. If I’m hurt about it, let me be hurt. If you’re the one who inflicted the hurt, work on fixing it sincerely and frequently. If I’m mad, let me be mad. Last thing you need if I’m mad is me turning my anger on you for belittling my emotion. I am so done with being lied to and I am no longer tolerating it. This is how I personally feel at this moment, but I can guarantee that the above advice would be beneficial for everyone. No one wants to feel challenged or demeaned when they are already weakened. 

As to not go into a complete tirade here I am going to leave with this: think before you speak. If you have limitations don’t make promises that exceed them. If you are directly asked a question t lying about is only going to make the situation worse because chances are the person asking already knows the answer. And lastly, if you’re lying to cover your ass before someone finds out about something, ask yourself why you put yourself in that position in the first place.