Reflection

This morning I was provided the opportunity to sit and reflect quietly and privately. My family is currently walking through a very traumatic and difficult season. I am having to make choices that both hurt me and anger me, but are the best for myself and my family. I feel that my hand has been forced in the matter by others' poor choices, but I am confident in my decisions at this point. I am trying very hard to work through my pain and anger so that the relationships that can be mended can be in the future. I am finding it very difficult though to move past this knowing what I do and having the convictions that I have. 

There are certain things that a person just does not do. Boundaries have been crossed, legal boundaries, moral boundaries, and in my eyes there is no forgiving that. The crossing of those lines put fear, anger and pain in my heart. It built a wall that is not going to be easily torn down. The choices of yet still others to support this person and their behavior has put even more pain and question marks in my head and heart. I find myself questioning the very fabric everything I have known about the family I was raised in and it has made me what to protect the family I have built that much more. 

Getting past this is going to depend on a lot of prayer and a lot of forgiveness on my part. It is going to take me wrestling with demons that have haunted me for years and new ones that are bigger and scarier than my childhood ones. I am not only responsible for my personal journey, but I am helping guide the journey of my little ones alongside my husband. The decisions I make and burdens I bear not only effect me, but my family. I hope I can find peace with this situation sometime in the future I truly do, but for now I am concentrating on me, my husband and my kids.

Post Op Review

Ok so I am officially three weeks out from having my Lap Band surgery. I have to say I am pleasantly surprised how little it negatively effected my world. The surgery was quick, the recovery was extremely tolerable as far as surgery recovery goes and I have felt some restriction as far as my ability to intake food.

During the pre-op and post-op diet changes I have lost 16 lbs which may not seem like much, but it is a thrilling realization. I have spend years trying to move the scale with little change and now it is falling off in a reasonably steady pace. I have started to work in exercise when I can and I am very conscious of what I am ingesting.

I do have moments of weakness that I am really fine with at this point. I still splash some sweet tea in my unsweet tea for a little flavor. I ate a handful of potato chips with dinner last night. I still crave sweets like you wouldn't believe (which I have only indulged in once). I am trying to not be too hard on myself because it has taken years for me to get to this point and I can't expect that overnight I am going to be a reformed food addict with no bad habits or guilty pleasures.

I recognize that this is going to be a hell of a long road and I just need to take it one day at a time. If I stumble one day I need to remember that one day will not undo everything and I can't just throw my hands up in defeat and retreat to my old ways. Tomorrow is always a new day to do better, to make better choices and move a little more. This Band is a tool, but it is me who has to do the work. I say bring it on! I am ready.

I go in for a fill on the 1st and as much as I hate needles I am looking forward to it. A little more restriction will make this process that much quicker and the tool just that much more effective. I am impressed so far and if there is anyone out there is cyberspace who would like to chat about my experience please feel free to message me. I would love to provide my experience to anyone it may help.

This next couple of weeks will be spent working on my willpower, my water intake and my level of activity. Slow and steady wins the race and I am hoping to find my pace soon.
Till next time.